Something interesting happened over the weekend

Lately I’ve been going back in my mind, mostly to childhood memories. It’s necessary for the next project I’m working on. I’ve had my grandfather (on my father’s side), my poppy, on my mind a lot. He was someone I was close to as a child, and he passed away when I was 9 years old. Many moons ago, now. In my eyes, he was a great man. He served in the military, was a part of the Korean War, and had a heart of the purest gold you could find on this luscious green Earth.

My father and his sister, my aunt, might not think of him or my grandmother, in the same light as I had. What I experienced was the smell of Italian red sauce being cooked as you walked through the door. The smell of pine enhancing as you neared the Christmas tree surrounded by presents. Laughter after being poked on my shoulder, opposite side of where my poppy sat, knowing it was him but letting him think otherwise. A slight break of my heart as I realized my name wasn’t on any of the tags attached to presents bearing names of all the grandchildren. Awkward anxiety of having to go out and into the hallway to meet Santa for my present, and more heartbreak when he wouldn’t show. Excitement and absent-mindedness of Santa failing to come around, after coming back through their door to a perfect gift Santa just so happened to leave, before rushing out in a hurry.

“You see Vera, he has a lot of presents to drop off, and didn’t have time to say hello, but he left you this pretty pink and white bicycle.”

My grandfather died of a heart attack while in his car, sitting in a parking lot with his wallet out and opened to photographs of his grandchildren. Not too long after he died I remember being outside, around the block from where I lived, and I watched as a man got into his car. I watched in disbelief, hope, heartbreak and a bit of fear as a man who looked exactly like my poppy, same hat and all, got into his car. I ran back up to my parents as fast as I could. “I just saw poppy! He got into a car by Levi’s. It was him. It looked just like him, and he even has the same hat as poppy. He smiled at me.” Tears started streaming out my eyes before my mom explained that our minds can sometimes play tricks on us like this, and it wasn’t really poppy.

Since having my grandfather on my mind, I decided to show my boyfriend the ashtray I have that was his from when he was stationed in India, during the Korean War. I used to use this ashtray for my butts and whatnot many years ago (so there is some residue left on it), before finally deciding to wrap it up nicely and put it away. From apartment to apartment, I’ve had it tucked away under kitchen sinks, and in closets for years.

After taking it out a few days ago, I became inquisitive of its existence; did he make it himself, was he creative/talented/artsy? If he made it himself, when? In his free time? What did he do while stationed in India?

The ashtray is not a style I’d usually go for other than bearing the color green, which is a favorite of mine. The pattern is cool but it’s also gold (which now has a deep orange showing through), which is something that normally turns me off. This particular ashtray is something I’ve always liked, however — the uniqueness of it, and of course, the fact it has history and was once my grandfathers. And even better, it’s possible, however not so probable, he made it.

My grandfather’s signature is on the bottom of it, which my aunt confirms IS indeed his signature. A copyright symbol is also carved right next to his name, and on the opposite side, reads USA 636. Wait, what? Say that again. 636! Like my book, 636: A Path to Higher Consciousness. Such an awesome coincidence in my mind! A coincidence I didn’t take notice of, honestly. My mother pointed it out once I sent her and my father the photo’s of the ashtray, questioning the signature, and all about it. These types of things sometimes go right over my head. Nevertheless, it’s pretty awesome to have stumbled upon, and it definitely gives me some kind of feel.

The ashtray dates back to, I would assume, sometime between 1950-1953.

Photo’s of the ashtray:

Some insight into my writing, and the reason I decided to write 636: A Path to Higher Consciousness

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on

I wasn’t planning on having my first published book be in the genre of self-help/personal transformation. I was writing a fiction novel, and was approximately 12k words deep when my concentration started to drift, and fail me. I started to become agitated by this, and the fact that I wanted so badly to write – to do what I always dreamed of; to write, and this time, actually publish all that builds inside my mind, and streams out from my finger tips.

All these folders full of files, all these words – surely, they must be worth something. If nothing more, at least, a help to others in seeing they aren’t alone in their thoughts and feelings, and there is a lighter side.

You’ll read about how I never wanted to publish my work years ago, including why, in the back matter of my book, on the About the Author page (or on the next page of this site). In a nutshell, I couldn’t find my voice. I found the words alright, but the incorrect ones, in the incorrect tone. It just wasn’t my time back then. My personal opinion is that you must know, in all ways, what you are writing about, before writing it, especially when it comes to non-fiction. You must know why, and what the intentions of the writing are.

While writing that fiction novel, that will never become, at least, not that I can see at this present time – My Higher Consciousness kept coming into play. Certain happenings would occur bringing me back down to reality, in a way, I believe, to say Hey! You know you’re not supposed to be writing this. This isn’t you. This isn’t your genre, or what’s in your heart! And it’s not. I’ll leave fiction to my sister, who I hope does pursue writing one day.

Fiction never was my thing. I write what I know, and it’s what I’m best at writing. Life, living it, surviving, living through the battle, and understanding how to surpass it.

My writing is full of raw emotion, and honesty. This is what others who I’ve let read my writing have, and continue to tell me. Raw emotion and honesty is what I’m all about. Truth is something I’ve always searched for in every aspect of my life. And emotion is what I’m built on.

I once dated someone who studied Psychology, and asked me to take the Rorschach test. I curiously did, and my result was that I act on emotion. It was interesting to me, and indeed true. I did, and maybe even still do act on emotion, at times. The Rorschach test is basically a personality test. Much like any other personality test out there, the answer, I believe, can change from day to day, just by what your mood is that day (or even, in that moment). Anytime I’ve taken a personality test, I’ve always felt that my answers could go one way or another, sometimes even drastically, and I always have to choose the one I believe best suits me in the moment.

If you search for the Rorschach test online and take it, don’t be surprised if you stumble upon a site that only reveals answers that you are insane, and need help. There is one out there. I won’t name the site because I just don’t feel that’s right to do, but I had taken the test, and it concluded that I need help, and am pretty messed up in my thought process. Well, that wasn’t sitting well with me, so I decided to take the test again choosing answers that a rather normal person (at least, in my mind) would. The result came back that I was even more insane, and there is pretty much no hope for me. Be careful of some of these sites! Don’t put even an ounce of faith into these answers, unless the test is done by a true physician.

Now, of course after taking that test twice, I decided to search further for a more honest one. After taking the more honestly scored test, it turns out, I’m alright. I’m not insane and my thought process is pretty normal, compared to others, perhaps, even boring.

Let’s take a look at the Meyers and Briggs Personality Test (MBTI). This one is more in depth and can take a bit longer, depending on which site you use. There is a site where you can pay for results, or there are quite a handful of sites that offer free tests. This was a popular test among my friend’s years ago, and when requested, I’d take the test again, failing to remember exactly what my results were, previously.  Each time I’d take it, it revealed I was an INFJ. I very rarely would receive a different answer being ISTP, which I never believed suited me. Perhaps at the times I’d received the ISTP answer, I was thinking and acting more logically, rather than on feeling.

An interesting thing I stumbled upon while taking another look at my personality type recently, is that INFJ’s tend to be a rare personality type. It’s funny to have stumbled upon that, as I’ve always thought of myself as different, even as a little girl. I was always afraid to let anyone, even my best friends, too far into my mind. I always felt as though I was too emotional, too sensitive, with too many weird thoughts that others must not have, or understand. I always felt as though I didn’t belong here on Earth. I felt as though I belong somewhere else, some other dimension, or universe.

There were times in my life when this was very hard for me. I’d take this thought and feeling of being different, and run with it in all different directions. I’d become offended and upset thinking others believed I was boring with no personality, failing to realize it’s only because of what I’d portray. I would shut down, and shut up, becoming timid and scared; stifled by intimidation. I was afraid to let my true self out. Afraid of what others would think of me, my mind, and even my emotions.

Of course, now that I’m older, I realize I’m not so different than the average individual, and my thoughts really aren’t all that strange, including how I process them.

The reason why I wrote 636: A Path to Higher Consciousness is because I want to help others. Within the blood that flows through my veins, I feel a true need to help others in some way.

Once starting on 636: A Path to Higher Consciousness, it began as strictly a book about dreams, helping the dreamer to understand and interpret them. I just couldn’t stop there however, as there’s so much more to dreams than just sleep and what you’re seeing, and with that, there was so much more I wanted to say. It’s about guidance, and truly understanding the message, and more importantly, where that message is coming from. It’s about realizing that you hold information inside yourself, that you have access to, if only you open yourself up to it. It’s about seeing life for what it really is, and understanding yourself, your behaviors, your mind, and your soul.

I feel we could all use a bit more understanding, and awareness from time to time, and it’s exactly what 636: A Path to Higher Consciousness is about.

Now that I’ve finished writing and publishing this book, I’m just about ready to start writing my next book, which will also be non-fiction.

If you have already purchased this book, thank you so much!

If you bought 636: A Path to Higher Consciousness through Amazon, I would greatly appreciate your honest feedback in the form of a rating and review.

Also, comments here on the blog are always open for all readers to share their thoughts. (Unless, of course, I’ve done something wrong within the setup.)